I've been lost for days in hopeless broken places
by MckCouGill
Summary: Carla can only ever rely on one person- her best friend.


_Rain, rain_

 _Go away_

 _Come again_

 _Another day..._

Carla softly chanted as she swung gently back and forth. She didn't really mean it. She didn't care about the rain at all. She didn't care much about anything. Not anymore.

Puddles began to form on the ground surrounding her old estate. Boarded up houses, graffiti covered walls and an eerie silence was all that remained of the place she once called her home. Forgotten, just like the playground she found herself back in. Rusted and abandoned. Until now. Until she came back.

If she had been nostalgic, Carla would swear she could hear cries of children as they played. Footballs been booted back and forth. Skipping games and fights with the boys. Hopscotch and whispered secrets.

She wasn't nostalgic though. The voices in her head were silent. Except for the one reminding her what a terrible waste of oxygen she was.

25 years had passed since the last time she'd run there to seek refuge from her life. Back then all she had needed was this place- her escape from the nightmares at home. Night or day, she knew she could find solace and safety there.

Oh and her best friend. She'd always needed her. She'd always been there.

She was here now.

Watching Michelle approach, Carla was struck by a vision of her at sixteen. She really hadn't changed a bit. Taller and maybe a bit gobbier, but still her very best friend. She was here again, like always. Carla didn't deserve it.

"It's been a long time since we're done this," spoke Michelle gently, as she sat on the neighboring swing and tried to make eye contact with her oldest friend.

Carla nodded, and stared down at her shaking hands.

"I'm glad you called," Michelle continued. "I've been worried... I never dreamt we'd end up back here though." as she looked around at the place of so many childhood memories.

"It seemed appropriate," whispered Carla "It's the place... the place I'd escape to when things got rough. Y'know, when Mum was smashed or George got handy with his fists. Or both sometimes," she chuckled darkly.

"I know darlin'', I remember." Michelle spoke sadly.

"I'd sit here, so many nights staring out at the bright lights of city," she smiled, as she stared at Manchester twinkling in the distance in front of them. "I knew one day I'd be out there, living a great life, loads of money, flash car. Big house, 2.4 family y'know. I just had to wait it out and good things would happen."

"You did escape Carla..."

"Yeah but now I've royally screwed it up 'Chelle. I don't have any of those things. I've lost it all. If I died tomorrow my epitaph would say- massive failure, destroyed everything she touched. Couldn't keep her business, her husband or her baby. Rape victim. Ruiner of lives. Murderer. Yeah that's the clincher. Killer of two innocent people. Not to mention your brothers..."

"Carla it was an..

"Don't 'Chelle" Carla snapped. "Don't even say it was an accident. If it were, I'd have been the one to have been burned alive in my flat. I'd be the one who suffered. It should have been me! Not poor Kal and Maddie. Good people, Chelle. It should have been ME. I should be dead..."

"Do you wish you were?" asked Michelle softly.

Carla said nothing, simply bowed her head and nodded.

"Oh sweetheart," said Michelle as a single tear rolled down her cheek, and she reached out and brushed a strand of wet hair behind Carla's ear.

A few minutes passed in silence. The weight of Carla's admission hung heavily in the air, and Michelle struggled to find the words to make it all okay.

"Do you remember when George pushed me down the stairs?" Carla asked suddenly.

"I remember sitting with you in A&E for five hours waiting for them to stitch your head back together," Michelle replied, surprised at the question. Seldom did Carla talk about anything from her past. She'd sealed it up and boxed it away so long ago.

"They said I was lucky, didn't they. Do you remember? The nurses. They said I was lucky not to have done some real damage. Nasty things head injuries. Lucky. Do you remember that Michelle?"

Michelle nodded and squeezed Carla's hands in her own.

"Maybe that's where it all began?" Carla mused. "Maybe that blow to the head damaged me, made me into this person. This uncontrollable mess who destroys everything. Maybe I'm damaged goods and that's why I can't do anything right... Or maybe that's not fair. I shouldn't blame my mistakes on him..."

"I blame him for a lot of things Carla," Michelle replied sternly "But all this bad luck sweetheart, it isn't down to you. It isn't your fault..."

"I wish he'd have killed me that day." she continued, not hearing Michelle's words. "I wish I'd broken my neck and died at the bottom of the stairs. Then none of this would have happened. My whole life wouldn't have happened. So many people would still be alive... I wish, I wish.." Carla choked back a sob and grabbed her hair fiercely with her hands and began punching herself angrily.

So hurt so much. She really fucking hurt.

Michelle desperately reached out to pull Carla's arms away from her face, but backed away sharply as Carla let out an involuntary hiss of pain.

"Carla?" Michelle whispered, the question hanging in the air. "What have you done?"

"Nothing, I need to, I.. go..." Carla mumbled through tears as she stood up quickly to walk away.

"No, Carla. NO. You can't keep running," Michelle insisted as she pulled her back.

Carla cried desperately as she struggled against Michelle's strong grip.

"Look, if you keep running, I will keep coming to find you. I will not let you run without me, okay? I will not let you give up. I will not let you go. Do you understand?"

Carla shook her head, tears and rainwater running down her defeated face.

"I know you Carla," Michelle whispered, as she gently rolled up Carla's sleeve "I know every part of you. I understand how you're feeling babe. But... I don't understand this..." as she stared at the ugly red cuts adorning Carla's arm.

"Not again Carla. Please not again."

"I, I... I'm.. sorry" Carla mumbled, as she stared ashamedly at her feet.

"Sorry? I don't want you to be sorry darlin'," Michelle implored, as she held Carla's face in her own shaking hands. "... We've been here before, haven't we? Granted it was 25 years ago... But that girl you were back then, that girl who cut herself because she was so hurt and so lonely and so afraid. That isn't you anymore. She isn't you anymore Carla."

"I just wanted to feel. I wanted to feel something. I just want to feel something Michelle..." Carla softly replied, roughly wiping the tears from her red eyes.

Michelle wiped away tears of her own and wrapped her broken friend in a fierce hug.

"I wish you could feel my heart breaking right now Carla," Michelle whispered into her friend's ear. "I never wanted to see this again, I never wanted to see you hurting so much again. I hoped all those scars would fade away."

"You know where they are though don't you?" Carla sniffed. "Those scars."

"I do. The ones on the inside and on the outside. So stop hiding things from me Carla, and let me help you"

"I don't know what to do 'Chelle. I don't know where to go, how to sort it all out. I can't make anything better, I can't fix what I have done. My head's a mess and my life is a mess. I'm... so lost." Carla said, biting back further tears.

"Carla, no-matter how lost you are, I will always find you. I found you here didn't I?" Michelle smiled softly.

"Yeah this place, Manchester's worst estate- filled with crappy memories. Why here eh? Of all the places in the world, how did we end up back here?" Carla asked with a small laugh.

"Because it's where we met. It's where we saved eachother a thousand times over. This is our place Carla. It's where it all began. The beginning."

"And what about the end?" Carla asked with childlike innocence.

"The end is not now," Michelle stated firmly. "This is the start. The start of you getting your life back Carla. Me and you, together like always. You can do this sweetheart."

"What if I can't, what if I don't want to," she replied tiredly.

"Then do it for me babe. Please. I need you." Michelle begged, never losing eye contact with Carla. Willing her to be strong. Willing her to survive.

The rain continued to fall. The silence was suffocating.

Nothing had changed.

But out of the corner of her eye, Carla could see the lights of the city and with it the dreams she had once had. She thought of the girl that she once was- bad haircut, lousy shoes- with nothing to live for but a future. Sitting in a playground while her best friend gently bandaged up her arms, and never once chastised her for the pain she was inflicting on herself.

She wished she could apologise to that girl, say sorry for making such a mess when she could have had it all. But maybe she still had the chance to make it up to her. Things could be better. Maybe the future was still unwritten.

Starting today.

She still had time.

Carla nodded and clutched Michelles hand as tightly as she could and allowed herself to fall into her embrace once again. Michelle placed a soft kiss to her temple, and Carla wondered for the first time in a long time if everything could be okay. One day.

It would not be easy. It was a start. Who knew what would happen?

Everything had changed.

But 'Chelle was right.

It was the beginning. And she wasn't fighting alone.

She never had done. She never would.

...

 _This is not the end._

 _It is not even the beginning of the end._

 _But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning._


End file.
